Look at me now
Theme: With the way I live my life I think the big takeaway or the message people receive is to just surround yourself with love and positivity. Whether that’s my family and friends or my passions and hobbies, I always try to put others before myself and to make not only myself happy but the people who I care about as well. I think that as we grow as human beings throughout our lives, these themes change and shift, however, the ones that stay are parts of our true identity. As I get older, I want my optimism and curiosity to always stay as well as my empathy towards others and my kindness. I like to surround myself with happy and positive energy because in this world, I believe that what you put into it comes back at you three times more. When we put out good vibes and happy energy into the world, we receive good vibes back, whether that's in our personal lives or in our future selves. A theme to someone's life is one that has to balance out the incredible moments and the terrible ones, the positive and the negative. In life, I make mistakes just like everyone else, and I believe that sometimes we are given back the imperfect, messy parts of life, and not always the good in order to learn from our mistakes and grow. But to have a life filled with realistic moments, could only be matched up with a theme of realistic consequences and beliefs. If my life was a song, it would be “Here Comes the Sun” by the Beatles. When I hear this song it reminds that good things are always on the horizon and that one should always look for the positive in every situation. We’re given challenges in life for a reason, and I think it’s our choice whether we make the best out of them.
Setting: I currently have a residence in san marcos, yet it doesn't feel like a home yet which is the side effect of moving around the same neighborhood three times in the last three years. I lived in escondido until I was twelve, that’s what home feels like to me. I grew up there, I know the street names by heart, and even now I still miss it deeply. I think about our spanish styled home with different colored walls in each room and the sun room with creamy white carpet. I miss my light pink walls and lace curtains with scalloped trims and purple hydrangeas that shaded my window. The air smelled like eucalyptus trees and daisies with a base note of plumeria flowers. However, in my new house my room is still my sanctuary: comforting sage walls welcome you into a haven of dried flower displays with candle wax dripped over every surface. Funky antiques and worn retro furniture create a primator around crisp white bedspreads and lace trimmed pillow cases. Slightly crooked oil paintings litter the cozy habitat, the scents of simmering jasmine and grapefruit lingering in the air . The house as a whole is simply a different vessel with our memories and belongings, all sewn together by the heart palpitations of the pool outside. The idea of home is a big deal to me, and whenever I look around my room I see my things as a reflection of who I am. When I walk downstairs, the calming cool shades of grey that coat our walls welcomes me into spacious rooms of soft grey cushions and light soft carpet. Everything is wooden and wide, sterilized and structured. In our backyard, cool palms dance in the wind and little green leaves line our kidney shaped pool. vacuum vibrates viciously through the water and echos throughout the house at night. Inside the house, canvas stretches through the hallways, framing out memories of my childhood with my little sister. Family portraits watch my every move as I advance up the carpeted staircase, our family den glowing with books and warm lampshades. This is where my life takes place. This is where I will grow up.
Conflict: I think right now in my life, I have struggles with man vs self, since recently I began to have large amounts of anxiety and stress, which causes me to get in my head and go to the worst scenario possible for whatever situation I’m in. Now I cannot handle sitting in dark movie theaters or going to events like the summer fair that contain colossal amounts of people. Just the sounds of someone shoving their fingertips into the butter infested popcorn sends me into a panic. The echo of sugar coated, crystallized candies shaking of the into someone's sweaty palms send vibrations of angst to my mind. Suddenly I begin to become irrational. This mindset has actually caused me to have multiple anxiety attacks and pass out from stress at swim practice. In that moment I lost hearing and my vision blurred to a screaming white blaze and a violent twitch took over my body until I fainted. A haze of white filled my vision and my brain burned and stretched until I curled up in a ball of agony in the pools of cold water that surrounded the deck. With these events being recent, I don’t know the outcome of this conflict since it’s still playing out. This conflict torments me because stress is self created, it’s something that swells up in me until I can not handle it and shut down. My biggest fear is that the anxiety will subconsciously control me and limit me to the things I want to pursue. I’m a person who likes to be in control and be methodized and sensitive to detail, and I see my anxiety as this out of control, loud, messy blotch of self doubt and stress, which I eventually won’t be able to handle as my life progresses.
Characterization: The most important characters in my life right now are the women in my family. My mom, my sister, and my grandma . My mom and I have identical personalities, which although cause some friction at times, makes us extremely close. She’s the person I tell my day about, the person who always knows the answer to every problem. She’s an extroverted, fun person who has a vivacious laugh and surrounds herself with people she loves. Coming from an italian family, she was born to throw parties and gatherings, and is the ultimate host. Like me she can be extremely sarcastic and every sentence can include an eye roll, and I adore her for it. You can always find her with pink lipstick in one manicured hand, a travel size of sweet rose perfume in the other. Her green eyes tense behind her mascara swept lashes every morning as she puts on her chunky heels and sweeps up her purse before she heads to work. We share a love for alternative 90’s bands, and I was practically raised on oasis and social distortion. She has a loud, vibrant personality and that's where we have different traits. Overall, she's one of the most important people in my life, my best friend. Another important person in my life is my eleven year old sister, Lilah. My sister is my opposite, from our abilities to hold a grudge to our taste in music. Between the two of us, she's the shy sister by far, more reserved in public and has her head cast down when she talks to others. Yet once we get home, she transforms into a tiny firecracker, loud and twirling all around our home. Lilah, or Aquaman as I call her (I’m Batman) is hilarious in her own way, and can leave you laughing on the floor for a solid five minutes. We can glance at eachother and be laughing for hours or be watching a documentary about bark beetles and be laughing, making jokes, and having a terrific time. She has big, deep, chocolate eyes and a sweet soul. Her cinnamon hair is heavy and full, it’s rich texture framing her butterscotch face. She is a goofy little girl and has a passion for dance, mainly ballet and lyrical. We are conjoined at the hip and I’m so grateful to have such an amazing sister in my life who can always make me smile and is someone I can always count on to make my day. An important role model who is ever present in my life is my grandma. She is one superb lady. She does it all: baking, cleaning, sewing, reading books to grandkids, basically she has the sweet grandma thing down. She has always been one of my favorite people, and her soft voice and her joyful nature makes everyone around her feel happy. She is so excited about life and is so kind and generous. She gets excited every time I call her and tell her about my day and ask her about hers. Her positivity is radiant, as well as her smile and laugh. She’s always in the kitchen baking cookies or cakes or pies, and that certain warmth of her house always follows her everywhere she goes. I will always remember her in the kitchen or at her sewing table, her signature heart necklace hangs delicately around her neck as she threads the needle or mixes batters, her laugh lines stretched over her rosy cheeks and olive skin. I think these people are the most important in my life right now because they are all such strong, hilarious, truly incredible women in my life that I look up to.
Protagonist: I am so fortunate to have multiple people in my life who push me to be my finest and best I can be and bring out the best in me everyday. One person who stands out to me when I think of someone who makes me elated and constantly shows me love and support is my Grandpa. My grandfather always encourages me to be a terrific human being and to do what makes me happy. He has always supported my interests and my hobbies such as choir, photography and swimming. Throughout my life, he has always told me that there will constantly be obstacles in front of me, struggles I will endure but that I am strong and can overcome my fears and challenges. Everytime I see him he tells me there's nothing in the world I can’t accomplish, nothing that can hold me back from my full potential. Ever since I was little, I always loved to play doctor and nurse, and he would always tell me that anything I set my mind to I can finish with flying colors and is one of the reasons I want to pursue nursing as a career. A protagonist to me isn’t only someone who brings out the best in you, but who brings out the best in everyone they know, everyone who they meet. And that's my grandpa. I love my grandpa and all the spectacular moments we’ve shared, and I will never forget his wisdom and his kind, strong heart.
Antagonist: Someone who can unquestionably bring out the worst in me is my mother. Although me and her have almost identical traits and have a healthy relationship, there comes a downside to being a tight knit mother daughter duo. Being close, we know exactly what makes the other one completely enraged. For example, I can be the most passive aggressive person you’ve ever met, and, of course, that is my mom's biggest pet peeve. She becomes furious. I don’t think anything will be more terrifying than the cold look she gives with teeth clenched and my full name on the edge of her pursed lips. That's the worldwide code for “you are in so much trouble you don’t even want to know what I’m about to say, I will ruin your social life.” And so ever since I turned twelve, a miniature feud has been born, a ongoing highschool drama series starring us. Some days, she’s my best friend, but others, it seems like all my frustration and all that keeps me from doing what I want takes a human form: her. Obviously we’re not the first mother and daughter to knock heads, and at the end of the day she’s my mom who I love deeply, but there's definitely those days when I remember I only have a few years left before college and separate living quarters. I think what brings out the worst in me is the feeling of being out of control, not having everything planned out and visualized on a calendar. My mother naturally is the exact opposite. She likes to be in the moment and not worry about rushing to the next thing. One of our biggest issues currently is planning, where I’ll plan three months in advance all my activities and get her stamp of approval. Then when december rolls up, we already have plans and I can’t go because she didn’t take into account my year's worth of friend time. Pure fury. Yet at the same time, I feel like in order to bring out the worst in someone, you also bring out their true colors and give them experiences to grow from.
Flashback: One memory that has stayed with me and is something I often reflect on is my life when I was in middle school, and I often look back on how I let my friends have such a strong influence on me, even when it meant cutting out my best friend from our little group, and my life. I still remember the rush of guilt and regret that would wash over me as soon as I made the choice to be a bystander. I would get in the car everyday and tell my mom all the stories of excluding, gossiping, and outcasting, her face set in a look of worry. I would vow to not hang out around those people and to choose positivity over the negative that hung over my life at that point, then head to school and make the same mistakes over and over again. This made such a significant impact on me because since repairing all the relationships that were hurt or lost, it made me consider how I choose my friends and what makes aspects of a person make a good friend. Since then I approach how I choose my friends with a new mindset, and while me and some of the girls in that group are still friends, I always go back to those years when I could of simply realized how to handle peer pressure and come to the conclusion that it’s better to be a leader and not a follower. The biggest takeaway I got from that time in my life was to always put others feelings and perspective into account whether they're your close friend or not . To just simply be a true friend is something that I took for granted. I think the reason this keeps me up at night is because I look back and realize just how much I have grown as a person, but how much I regret in those years.
Irony: I devote a lot of my free time to the arts including drawing, writing, painting, and reading. Yet, after highschool I want to go to go to school to get a science degree and work in the field of healthcare. While I do enjoy science classes as well, I’ve always been drawn to humanities based curriculum, or multi media electives. however it’s a science driven career that is my goal. The reason I want to pursue nursing as a profession is because there aren’t a plethora of jobs out there where you get to help people everyday for your career, healing people, helping people conquer their tragedies. To be able to do that, and give back to my community, it would be the most rewarding job. When I was a little girl, I would sit down for hours scribbling in pictures of me in hospital rooms with microphones. When my mom asked who I was, I responded with the obvious: a singing doctor. I’ve always looked for the perfect combination of arts and science, and to go to such an incredible school that balances both was a dream come true, but now in my future I see that while art remains a hobby, science is taking on a deeper role as a passion. I fell in love with science and the elegant crafted terms for animals and plants, the way photosynthesis rolls off your tongue. The almost musical structured words like patella and phalanges. Pretty scientific language with brainy philosophers like Newton, Descartes, and Kuhn. This matter of fact, organized, known to be proven true subject has captivated my mind.
Symbolism: Ever since I was little I’ve been drawn to butterflies and the way they form in cocoons, once caterpillars, and emerge out of their cage as a butterfly. The metamorphosis cycle for me symbolizes new beginnings and transitional periods in one's life. When I first started middle school, I was painfully shy coming from a small private school with twelve kids per class. And as I look back at my life I can really connect with the butterflies life span and relate to the butterfly soaring out of the cocoon, now transformed into a glossy, vibrant version of itself. In eighth grade something clicked and I realized that in my life, it wasn't worth being in your cocoon when you could be flying. I think in my life, looking around in my room, I surround myself with butterflies and candles, the wick of the flames that dance cautiously on wax symbolizes how I surround myself with light and positivity, but also how I put other people's needs before my own, and put too much on my plate when it comes to others. I constantly want to give everyone the time I think they deserve, which causes the candle to use all its light and the wax to melt, much like the way I don’t always take care of myself to my best ability due to overexerting myself . Ever since I was little, I’ve always wanted to make others around me happy, and as I get older, I’m beginning to see where the balance to peer pressure and trying to make others around me happy falls.
Foreshadow: Right now in my life, I am involved in photography. I love cranking the camera dial and getting light leaks and grain on the film. The accomplished feeling you get when you get your film back and all sixteen prints are intact and you didn’t forget to take the lens over off. I think this hobby will definitely transfer into my adult life and I think that in the end it might be one of the more creative hobbies I hold onto. I think that as we grow up, we lose some of our hobbies and passions, and not to say that all adults are passionless and have nothing that brings them joy, but I think about how photography has been something I’ve loved since I was four, and how it’s apart of who I am, and I hope I never lose that. I think that even in my nursing career, the skills that come with photography will help me strive in that profession such as patience, focus, and precision. When you only have a set amount of pictures you can take and a limited amount of film, it definitely makes you value the little things more as well as makes you aware that sometimes, you have to wait for the right moments to come naturally. With focus, you have to train yourself to be hyper aware to every detail, every beam of light, since it will affect your overall piece. The film camera I have is prone to light leaks, so when you put your eye behind the lense, you have to take in the entire frame at once, then break it down. When you capture a moment, precision is always something in the front of your mind. Does this shot need three seconds of light? Four? Too much will overexpose the film and you’ll lose the details, but too little can cause a dark rim of grain around your work. Balance is an art, and the photographer is in a tight rope act.